FLYING BARBIE REALLY DOESN’T FLY

She just doesn’t…that’s all

The title of this comes from years ago when my daughter, age 5, wanted a “Flying Barbie”. The commercial showed Barbie flying and talked/sang about how wonderful she was. At the very end a man’s deep voice said “Flying Barbie really doesn’t fly”. The next time we saw it I made sure she listened to the man at the end. She decided she didn’t want it anymore….

Ah, the disclaimer voice…that wise and knowledgeable voice saying words of wisdom you rarely hear. For example, you’re driving and hear you can lease a brand new top of the line, fancy/expensive car at an unheard of low monthly payment. All you hear is that you can get a $60-75k car and drive it for 2 years or an extended 45,000 miles for $375 per month. So you’re busy picturing yourself in that car thinking you can be just as fancy as any other so-and-so. So while you’re busy NOT listening, that wise voice is telling you: 1) $10,000 is due at at signing; 2) your credit score must be at least 950; and 3) it doesn’t include tax, tag, dealer fees, markups – basically any other charge they add – but at 10 times normal speaking speed.

Now here’s the flip side. When it’s NOT sped up you almost wish it were. Yes, medicinal TV commercials, I’m looking at you. It was nice back in the day when medical companies couldn’t advertise. Then, when they got the initial green light, it was confusing because they couldn’t say what the medicine treated. You’d see a happy couple walking on the beach and it would end “Ask your doctor about [medicine name].” So they fixed it! Now the condition it treats is named but the possible side effects must be said IN FULL and SLOWLY. Given all possible side effects I don’t know why they bother. I saw one for acne medicine. Acne, sure, we all hate it. But one of the side effects was ANAL LEAKAGE. I am not making that up. Maybe it’s just me but I’m gonna say NO to that possibility. I’d rather have acne all over my face. At least you’re prepared for that. Try explaining why you have to leave work and change pants all of a sudden. Seriously, ANAL LEAKAGE?! I’d rather be called Pizza Face than Poopy Pants any day of the week. 

So my point is that both fast speaking disclaimer voice and slow speaking “possible side effects” voice are pointless.

So where would this voice of wisdom be useful? I’ve got an idea. When I’m at the…..

…GROCERY STORE:

“Avoid when hungry. YOU are hungry. You will never eat that.”

“This is not recommended for people on a diet. YOU are on a diet.”

“Product knowledge is encouraged. YOU do not know what this is AND cant even cook.”

“Over-stocking discouraged. YOU have 1,000 of the same type cleaners at home – none used.”

…MALL:

“Not recommended for those under 5’10” in height. YOU are short.”

“Encouraged for people who want to look pregnant. YOU do not want to look pregnant and that time is well past for you anyway.”

“Possible side effects include an upset husband and low bank balance. YOU know one cute outfit shouldn’t cost $300.”

“Avoid these shoes if your activities include standing or walking. Only meant for avid shoe collectors. Do YOU want to become a collector? You do have 15 pair in the closet you can’t bear to wear- just like these.”

 

In summary, 1) Flying Barbie really doesn’t fly; 2) You can’t lease a $60-75k car for $375-400 per month; AND 3) Some acne medications can cause anal leakage.

You’ve been warned. 

BUMPER STICKERS: WHAT YOU TELL THE WORLD…

bumpersticker-cantfixstupidNo offense to those of you that have these things on your car, I’ve just never gotten them. The reason why is that I’ve never read one that helped me learn needful information about the person I’m driving alongside, behind, whatever. Although I have almost run into the rear end of a few cars when they stopped suddenly while I was trying to read a small print bumper sticker on their car (small print ones should be illegal, says the near sighted woman).

I really don’t get the ones people put on their actual car- that just ruins the paint. But there a few others that boggle the mind. These are bumper stickers that tell me about the following:


Your Child(ren):
bumpersticker-children
Again, no offense, but I really don’t care what school your child attends. Also the ones boasting about your child getting all A’s or being on the honor roll? If it looks worn and weathered that just makes me think your child was the model child at one time but maybe went down a different, darker path as I see no new ones.

*BUT* there’s the more practical aspect of not having bumper stickers about your child(ren) and that is this: Let’s say some perv who likes kiddies is behind you – and they’ve noticed your bumper sticker and maybe they see it as you’re pulling into your neighborhood – and THEY ALSO live in your neighborhood (it happens; if you live in suburbia there’s a creeper within a mile from you guaranteed). Now they know you have a child and you’ve peaked their interest – so they’ll keep an eye out for your car and your child. Even worse? You live on a busy road and some rando perv happening through is behind you as you pull right into your driveway which is showing the perv exactly where a child resides. Yuck, right? Indeed. Again, just my personal opinion and that and a nickel will get you whatever 5-cents buys you these days. I have a dark sense about anything involving kids. In fact, my [now grown and nearly grown] children have each told me on random occasions that I instilled so much anxiety in them regarding strangers that I’ve made them socially awkward as an adult meeting new people. My response? “Sorry. But did your picture wind up on the news with a tearful me pleading for your return? No. I’d rather you be ALIVE and living with anxiety regarding strangers vs no longer being with us OR living your life trying to get over some horrible incident you lived through.” I never gave mine the choice of not knowing. That’s because MY biggest fear was their being taken (doesn’t every mother think her kid is the prize?!). I let them in live in the land of La in other ways- many other ways- but not when it came to strangers. My youngest (now nearly 18) said to my response “….ok but when you told me that if I ever walked from the bus stop to the house and some car started slowing down that I should suddenly go cross-eyed, drool and make my body start twitching was a bit much…”. Well, maybe, but whatever. I still think as far as quick strategies go it was a good one.

What You Stop For:

These are just silly to me. “I stop for yard sales” being one I recently saw I’ll use that as an example. It’s good to know you’re going to stop, but how often do we pass yard sales? The fact that you like to yard sale in your spare time does me no good. This is especially true since I’m most often on the road going to work alongside others doing the same. It’s doubtful you’re going to suddenly stop at some yard sale and call into work “sorry- gonna be late- passed a yard sale and you know how I stop for those.”

The Church You Attend:

Now this is going to hit some the wrong way but let me just say this: I appreciate and applaud you for showing others that you love your church so much you’re willing to have a bumper sticker- but let me warn you of one thing- with that comes responsibility. Case in point (and this is a true story, cross my heart): One day I was headed down the interstate and was in the middle lane. Speed limit was 70 and I was doing 80 (yes, guilty of typically going 10 mph higher than the signs except in neighborhoods). Anyway, this lady gets so far up on me that I can’t see the front of her car. I can see her face as she is clearly screaming at me. Suddenly she pops out to the left, passes me and flips me off. A precious moment, right? Even more precious? Her bumper sticker that said “Follow Me to [my church]!” Not a good advertisement for her church, am I right? So let’s just say that if you’re a good person who suffers from road rage- and there are many- you should probably refrain from dragging your church into it with you. Avoid the awkward “Uhm, we recently got a call and we’d like it if you removed our bumper sticker from your car.” I mean it *could* happen and wouldn’t you want to just crawl under a rock? And no, of course I didn’t call her church – that would be a hideous thing for me to do – but you know there’s someone out there who would. Some old biddy with time on her hands and an axe to grind. With you. But the VERY WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? That “Small World” scenario that sometimes kicks you in the face- you didn’t recognize them but they actually attend church WITH YOU. They saw your screaming face and recognized it. Then you flipped them off and they thought “oh well that can’t be [insert your name].” BUT THEN they saw your bumper sticker and they. just. knew.


Who You’re Voting For (or did):
bumpersticker-better

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you remember a time when that was a private thing? Oh, the bumper stickers were there but that’s about it. To me there’s nothing sadder than seeing your tired, sad “Bernie” bumper sticker. A man who never made it to the “finals”. No offense to his supporters, but I don’t need to know who you’re about to vote for or who you did vote for. Never have I ever (there’s a game in there somewhere) heard anyone say “You know, I was going to vote for ____ , but I saw a bumper sticker this morning that changed everything.” Seriously, why are these timely things so important that you need to stick one to your car?! I don’t get it.


Your Opinion on Abortion:

Sure, most of us have one but I don’t need to know yours while we’re driving. I am neither saying I’m pro or against abortion – would it matter if I did? Would it change your mind? That said, why is it important for every other driver to know where you stand? The majority of us don’t know you. You’re another driver on the road at some point in time. That’s it. Stop stirring emotional topics with a sticker on your car.

In short, if you’re going to put a bumper sticker on your car, let it tell me these things:

1. You’re a horrible driver who doesn’t signal when turning;

2. You have no insurance;

3. You’re an avid gun-toter with inexplicable road-rage;

4. Your car has parts that may or may not remain intact as you drive;

5. You often slam on your brakes for no known reason

I will say I’ve seen ONE bumper sticker that made me smile. One. What’s even funnier is that based upon the driver (yes I had to look at him), I truly believe the sticker was 100% true – he was serious business about this topic. His bumper sticker read “ACID RAIN BURNS MY BASS!” with a large mouth bass in the background. I’m sure he didn’t feel it was funny, but it made my ENTIRE day!

Yes, I am quite easily amused by the little mundane things- I find humor in everyday simple things that we’re all used to dealing with. When you stop to think about these little things, you probably will be too. Stop and smell the roses but if there are no roses, just stop and laugh at the silly things you see each day. Believe me, there are sooooo many things to laugh about.

I didn’t even speak about the occasional “BABY ON BOARD!” that used to be so prevalent but you can still find every now and then. When I’m driving insanely crazy, I just see one of those and think “Oh wait…a baby. I better slow my role and drive super careful because THAT CAR contains an infant. 😉