Bumper Stickers: What You Tell The World…

bumpersticker-cantfixstupidNo offense to those of you that have these things on your car, I’ve just never understood them. I’ve never read one that helped me learn needful information. I have almost run into a few cars trying to read a small print bumper sticker. Small print ones should be illegal (says the near-sighted woman).

I really don’t get people who put them ON their car – that just ruins the paint. Regarless of placement, there are some that boggle the mind trying to figure out why you’d have them. I’m referring to bumper stickers that tell me all about the following:


Your Child(ren):

bumpersticker-childrenAgain, no offense, but I really don’t care what school your child attends. Also the ones boasting about your child getting all A’s or being on the honor roll? If it looks worn and weathered that just makes me think your child was the model child at one time but maybe went down a different, darker path as I see no new ones.

*BUT* there’s the more practical aspect of not having bumper stickers about your child(ren) and that is this: Let’s say some perv who likes kiddies is behind you – and they’ve noticed your bumper sticker and maybe they see it as you’re pulling into your neighborhood. They know your neighborhood now, but the worst? They could LIVE in your neighborhood (if you live in suburbia there’s a creeper within a mile from you guaranteed). Now they know you have a child and possibly even their name. Maybe that they have a pet named Tigger. You’ve given them more information than they need – and for what? Yuck, right? Indeed. I have a dark sense about anything involving kids. In fact, my [now grown] children have each told me that I instilled so much anxiety regarding strangers that I’ve made them socially awkward meeting new people. My response? “Sorry. But did your picture wind up on the news with a tearful me pleading for your return? No. I’d rather you be ALIVE and living with anxiety than no longer being with us OR living your life trying to get over some horrible incident you lived through.” I never gave mine the choice of not knowing. That’s because MY biggest fear was their being taken (doesn’t every mother think her kid is the prize?!). I let them in live in la-la land in other many ways, but not when it came to strangers. My youngest said to my response “Okay, but Mom when you told me if I walked to the house and some car slowed down to suddenly go cross-eyed, drool and make my body start twitching was a bit much”. Okay fine. It’s just whatever. I still think as far as quick strategies go it was a good one and they’re still here.  But I digress.

What You Stop For:

These are just silly to me. “I stop for yard sales” being one I recently saw I’ll use that as an example. It’s good to know you’re going to stop, but how often do we pass yard sales? The fact that you like to yard sale in your spare time does me no good. This is especially true since I’m most often on the road going to work alongside others doing the same. It’s doubtful you’re going to suddenly stop at some yard sale and call into work “sorry- gonna be late- passed a yard sale and you know how I stop for those.”

The Church You Attend:

Now this is going to hit some the wrong way but let me just say this: I appreciate and applaud you for showing others that you love your church so much you’re willing to have a bumper sticker- but let me warn you of one thing- with that comes responsibility. Case in point (and this is a true story, cross my heart): One day I was headed down the interstate and was in the middle lane. Speed limit was 70 and I was doing 80. Anyway, this lady gets so far up on me that I can see her face as she is clearly screaming at me. Suddenly she pops out to the left, passes me and flips me off. A precious moment, right? Even more precious? Her bumper sticker that said “Follow Me to [my church]!” Not a good advertisement for her church, right? So let’s just say that if you’re a good person who suffers from road rage- and there are many- you should probably refrain from dragging your church into it with you. Avoid the awkward “I’m sorry, we recently got a call and we’d like it if you removed our bumper sticker from your car.” I mean it *could* happen and wouldn’t you want to just crawl under a rock? But the VERY WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? That “Small World” scenario that sometimes kicks you in the teeth.  You didn’t recognize them but they actually attend church WITH YOU. They saw your screaming face and recognized it. Then you flipped them off and they thought “oh well that can’t be [insert your name].” BUT THEN they saw your bumper sticker and they. just. knew. That’s going to be a fun little conversation when they say “I think you passed me on 459S the other day.” And no, you won’t be able to deny it – it was your face, your exact car and your church bumper sticker.  Game over.


Who You’re Voting For (or did):
bumpersticker-better

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you remember a time when that was a private thing? Oh, the bumper stickers were there but that’s about it. To me there’s nothing sadder than seeing your tired, sad “Bernie” bumper sticker. A man who never made it to the “finals”. No offense to his supporters, but I don’t need to know who you’re about to vote for or who you did vote for. Never have I ever (there’s a game in there somewhere) heard anyone say “You know, I was going to vote for [insert candidate], but I saw a bumper sticker this morning that changed everything.” Seriously, why are these timely things so important that you need to stick one to your car?! I don’t get it.


Your Opinion on Abortion:

Sure, most of us have one but I don’t need to know yours while we’re driving. I am neither saying I’m pro or against abortion – would it matter if I did? Would it change your mind? That said, why is it important to know where you stand? The majority of us don’t even know you. People have been shot in the face for cutting others off in traffic and you want to drive around with your opinion on an emotional “hot button”?! I don’t get it.

 

In short, Let Your Bumper Sticker Tell Me These Things:

1. You’re a horrible driver who doesn’t signal when turning;
2. You have no insurance;
3. You’re an avid gun-toter with inexplicable road-rage;
4. Your car has parts that may or may not remain intact as you drive;
5. You often slam on your brakes for no known reason

I’ve seen ONE bumper sticker that made me smile. It was on an older model large truck and based upon the driver (yes I had to look at him), I believe he was serious business about this topic. His bumper sticker read “ACID RAIN BURNS MY BASS!” with a large mouth bass in the background. I’m not sure about acid rain, nor what it does to bass (though I’m sure it’s not good), and I’m sure he didn’t feel it was a funny bumper sticker, but it made my ENTIRE day.

Yes, I am easily amused by the little mundane things- I find humor in everyday things that we’re all used to dealing with but don’t think about. Stop and smell the roses but if there are no roses, just stop and laugh at the silly things you see each day. Believe me, there are sooooo many things to laugh about.

Oh – and do NOT even get me started on the occasional “BABY ON BOARD!” that used to be so popular (you can still find every now and then). Does it mean one day I’ll be driving insanely crazy, see one of those and think “Oh wait…I better slow my insane role and drive super careful because THAT CAR contains an infant.”? Probably not.

5 Comments on “Bumper Stickers: What You Tell The World…”

    • I have a friend who thought those BOB stickers were a warning when they first came out. He thought they meant something like, “Don’t get near this car. There’s a kid on board so I might not be paying attention to my driving.”

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  1. Literally laughed out loud at the suggestion of what people “should” have as bumper stickers!! Truth!!! I feel the same as you on many of your post I just can’t put my feelings in words like you do!! So…Thank uuuuuu!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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