The title of this comes from years ago when my daughter, age 5, wanted a “Flying Barbie”. The commercial showed Barbie flying and talked/sang about how wonderful she was. At the very end a man’s deep voice said “Flying Barbie really doesn’t fly”. The next time we saw it I made sure she listened to the man at the end. She decided she didn’t want it anymore….
Ah, the disclaimer voice…that wise and knowledgeable voice saying words of wisdom you rarely hear. For example, you’re driving and hear you can lease a brand new top of the line, fancy/expensive car at an unheard of low monthly payment. All you hear is that you can get a $60-75k car and drive it for 2 years or an extended 45,000 miles for $375 per month. So you’re busy picturing yourself in that car thinking you can be just as fancy as any other so-and-so. So while you’re busy NOT listening, that wise voice is telling you: 1) $10,000 is due at at signing; 2) your credit score must be at least 950; and 3) it doesn’t include tax, tag, dealer fees, markups – basically any other charge they add – but at 10 times normal speaking speed.
Now here’s the flip side. When it’s NOT sped up you almost wish it were. Yes, medicinal TV commercials, I’m looking at you. It was nice back in the day when medical companies couldn’t advertise. Then, when they got the initial green light, it was confusing because they couldn’t say what the medicine treated. You’d see a happy couple walking on the beach and it would end “Ask your doctor about [medicine name].” So they fixed it! Now the condition it treats is named but the possible side effects must be said IN FULL and SLOWLY. Given all possible side effects I don’t know why they bother. I saw one for acne medicine. Acne, sure, we all hate it. But one of the side effects was ANAL LEAKAGE. I am not making that up. Maybe it’s just me but I’m gonna say NO to that possibility. I’d rather have acne all over my face. At least you’re prepared for that. Try explaining why you have to leave work and change pants all of a sudden. Seriously, ANAL LEAKAGE?! I’d rather be called Pizza Face than Poopy Pants any day of the week.
So my point is that both fast speaking disclaimer voice and slow speaking “possible side effects” voice are pointless.
So where would this voice of wisdom be useful? I’ve got an idea. When I’m at the…..
“Avoid when hungry. YOU are hungry. You will never eat that.”
“This is not recommended for people on a diet. YOU are on a diet.”
“Product knowledge is encouraged. YOU do not know what this is AND cant even cook.”
“Over-stocking discouraged. YOU have 1,000 of the same type cleaners at home – none used.”
“Not recommended for those under 5’10” in height. YOU are short.”
“Encouraged for people who want to look pregnant. YOU do not want to look pregnant and that time is well past for you anyway.”
“Possible side effects include an upset husband and low bank balance. YOU know one cute outfit shouldn’t cost $300.”
“Avoid these shoes if your activities include standing or walking. Only meant for avid shoe collectors. Do YOU want to become a collector? You do have 15 pair in the closet you can’t bear to wear- just like these.”
In summary, 1) Flying Barbie really doesn’t fly; 2) You can’t lease a $60-75k car for $375-400 per month; AND 3) Some acne medications can cause anal leakage.
You’ve been warned.